Climbing Banned

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Climbing is to be banned in all forms across the globe from midday today. The announcement comes after a binding UN resolution was introduced and passed after shocking footage emerged.

The current secretary-general of the UN António Guterres welcomed the announcement today with this statement – “Protecting people is at the heart of the values of the UN. Today’s resolution will stop this wild new extreme sport in its tracks. I want to thank my colleagues for sharing the video of that Alex guy doing the free climb up on the Nose for starting this conversation“.

It’s believed that the French minister for Foreign affairs was watching a pirated copy of Free Solo during his break and a small crowd gathered around his laptop. A few of the delegation from Norway and San Marino then goaded each other into climbing a modern-art sculpture dedicated to peace in the canteen courtyard and one fell, slightly spraining his ankle.

The shocking level of injury wasn’t something the diplomats had been used to, leading to a knee-jerk vote. The only country to abstain was Russia, saying in an official statement – “We don’t climb anyway, we’ve never climbed, we don’t know what climbing even is“.

While many were shocked at the sudden stop to our well-loved sport, we all knew it was only a matter of time until this happened after the Ten Sleep Canyon incident.

The first rumors of a worldwide ban were reported after an unnamed 24-year old boulderer camped outside of the assigned area at Indian Creek last year. Unconfirmed reports of British trad climbers bribing nesting peregrine falcons with frozen mice to move their nest seem to have fanned the flames.

The National Parks Service is now moving forward with its “temporary” plan to install via ferratas on the popular routes in Yosemite to allow tourists to get the real experience without the unnecessary danger or skill. A 24-month waiting list and two-week mandatory health-and-safety briefing slideshow have now been implemented. Eco-friendly glamping caves will be installed after the pee holes are hosed down and excavated.

Adam Ondra was contacted for a statement but could only be heard screaming in what may or may not have been joy or anger. Alex Honnold commented in a recorded statement, “The person you have called is not available right now, please leave your message after the tone“.

Interview with Adam Ondra reacting to news of the ban

Gyms across the US are rebranding to become rope-access training centers and many will be installing industrial light-bulb changing stations at the anchors. It is still unknown whether bouldering is affected by this ban as the 60-year debate on whether it’s actually real climbing is still undecided.

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